another reminder

and stars have died so that you may live

126,494 notes



There’s two types of anger one is dry and the other wet and basically wet anger is when your eyes water and your voice shakes and I hate that cause I feel weak when I’m crying while angry I like dry anger when your face is like stone and your voice is sharp I guess wet anger shows that you care too much and dry anger means you’re done.

This is the best description ever

(via im-the-asshole-that)

Filed under y e s t e r d a y about thunderpenny self-worth

57 notes

The Beacons


To be great, a man must first be broken.

James Falsworth has extensive experience when it comes to taking good soldiers and making them great. His methods have been proved time and again, and though harsh, they always get results. He’s never failed to break a man, never failed to prepare him for the horrors that await.

Until Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes throws a spanner in the works.

The last one shot before ‘The War Was In Color’, this one introduces the violent world Bucky’s about to be thrown head first into, as well as Falsworth (who is Very British and also kinda scary), Dugan (who hates everyone) and Peggy (who is having none of your shit). 

Please be sure to read the warnings!

Filed under oh no oh no oh no not prepared fanfic good thing I'm going to see gotg tonight help

254 notes

Anonymous asked: How do you write steve? Your characterization is great, so what are the main things you focus on when trying to get him right?


I don’t know that I agree with this 100% in that I think Steve does have genuine goodness in him, albeit goodness he can’t really see for himself(and I could write an entire BOOK on how this is the exact reason Bucky is so precious to him, because Bucky has never failed to see not only the goodness Steve outwardly projects but also the goodnes that’s ACTUALLY INSIDE Steve. And to TELL Steve about it. Blatantly. IN clear tearms that are not up for discussino Stevie.) but I do really really agree with almost everything else.

Steve is fucking unhappy and the last thing he wants is for you to know that. 

This is the most important line of Steve characterization ever.

I don’t care what you’re writing. An AU, a post CATWS fic, a preserum! fic, a fluffy piece of smut. This is the most important thing, and the only thing that is really, truly stable about Steve’s character, from a very early age up through whatever we’ve seen of him. It’s there in the earliest scene we have of him - when his mom dies. He’s putting up a brave front, telling Bucky he’s gonna be okay and talking about what a nice service it was but this is a guy that’s just lost his (presumably) only family. This is a guy who’s dying inside. But he doesn’t want people to worry about him - he doesn’t think he’s worthy. Luckily, Bucky sees right through that shit because Bucky is Bucky and Steve’s ass is what the sun shines out of, but he still tries to hide it all the same. 


thank you anon ;; okay so first off

Steve is fucking unhappy and the last thing he wants is for you to know that. 

He is deeply unhappy tho. For so many reasons. Before the serum, he was mostly unhappy with himself and his disabilities and how they were perceived by others. While it’s clear on his face he doesn’t like being underestimated, what he is on the inside is furious and frustrated and so very done. He keeps a cool exterior but inside he’s burning with anger and desperation. He doesn’t want anyone to know the depths of his longing and selfishness and fury.

He’s like—he’s built a fucking box for himself out of the actions he’s allowed to take and the way he’s allowed to speak and the emotions he’s allowed to show and he locks himself tightly in that fucking box because its the only protection he’s been able to construct in 24 years of dealing with bullshit and being reminded how goddamn vulnerable he is. And he’s terrified of stepping out of the box because he is fucking sick to death of being vulnerable. These are the few things he can hide away and keep safe, especially when it comes to his feelings about other people oh my god he locks those away. Those stay in the box. All the negative, hateful things he’s capable of thinking, they stay in the box. His feelings of helplessness, his complaints about his situation, his selfish desires fucking stay in the box. The outside of the box is all there is. He doesn’t want to be taken at face-value but at the same time no he really does tho please don’t dig further and realize what a fucked up mess he is

The box is not inviting. The box is stand-offish and plain. Steve is stand-offish and plain. He’s not good with people. He sucks at people. He is not a people person. He has four modes of communication; attempted politeness, snark to be friendly, snark to antagonize, and snark to be a bossy little shithead. That’s it. And his ‘snark to be friendly’ ain’t all that friendly. Its how he communicates with Bucky; goodnatured jabs are still jabs. And him being polite isn’t all that nice either. Polite is not how Steve thinks, its how he acts to strangers because oh look, more rules he can hold himself to. And if they don’t take his polite then that’s their problem, not his. He fucking tried. And pre-serum? He is very fucking used to people throwing his polite back in his face. He won’t stop doing it because he thinks that makes him the better person, he wants to Be the better person, but he still expects the worst out of certain people. 

Oh yeah okay that’s another thing; Steve is not a good person. He has to try at being a good person and hates that he has to try because that means he’s deficient in yet one more way, but with this he tries his ass off. So much of Steve is trying to make up for what he lacks, and he’s so ‘good’ because he lacks a lot

Post-serum, his box becomes a lot more attractive and he learns how to hide all the new ways he’s broken inside with smiles and posturing. It comes a little easier because he’s more confident that people will accept the smiles and posturing. He learns how to play to people a little better—give them what they expect to see, play the part. He’s not good at it, but he’s better than he was and most people don’t look hard enough to see the stress-lines.

His depression is out of fucking control at this point and he only finds energy in anger and adrenaline so guess what he gives himself over to. He throws himself into his work and is miserable because he can’t turn his head off, so he makes himself frustrated asking questions and at the same time not asking enough questions because all he has is this job and without it he has no direction and no outlet so he wants to rock the boat so fucking badly and wont for selfish reasons and he hates how selfish he is. He’s so very lost and so very determined that no one know, no one see him when he’s at his most vulnerable which is right now he is so fucking fragile he is holding on by a thread that he refuses to let snap because he is so fucking stubborn and now more than ever no one can know. 

Okay because Steve’s box? Is no longer his box. His box got 68 years worth of renovating that he had no goddamn control over and now his box means things to people and his box is more important than ever, more important than he ever deserved to be, has any right to be, and if that box goes down, he can’t even imagine the consequences. They were terrifying enough before, right? Being seen for the weak, needy, selfish person that he is was scary enough before, but at least when he was Skinny!Steve, all those thoughts and fears and reactions were somewhat expected of him. No one would be surprised learning he liked cock or was desperate for attention or could become frustrated to the point of tears. They expected him to be that fragile. He built the box to try and prove them wrong

No one expects Captain America to be any of those things. No one is waiting for him to show his true colors and no one wants him to break down. He’s closer to that than ever and he cannot. He. Cannot. He cannot because he doesn’t know how he could ever recover. 

all his selfish desires stay in the fucking box


Steve is not an open person. For all he’s cordial, and polite, and friendly to an extent, he has no idea how to be genuinely open about himself(and this I think is where the whole ‘not being a people person thing stems from) because he’s never allowed himself to be, and he doesn’t really want to be, because he’s SO DONE BEING VULNERABLE. I honestly think it might do him more harm than good to start trying at this point. (Of course there are people with which these rules are broken. Bucky being the obvious one but I think the argument could be made for Sam, people who are aso genuinely genuine or who think so openly highly of him that he … thinks maybe he can let them see the parts of himself he doesn’t let anyone else see. Maybe. Or people like Natasha who are just so perceptive that they actually manage to look through his box and see the cracks and fault lines and where he’s actually pleading for help. AND they know how to deal with that.)

Because Steve does hide in his box. He…is probably the most exemplary person of that quote “You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.” but it’s because that’s what he wants.

Steve has had it up to his ears and past the beanstalk of being pitied. Preserum, when people weren’t beating the shit out of him for being different and disabled, they were pitying him for his lot in life. Telling him he was worthless. And you know what fuck you people I’m not worthless. Steve (but he is, it’s all just a show haha what a funy joke right look at this peice of trash overhere) tries to put on this facade of caring so much about everyone. About peopel being mistreated. And on some level, he does care. But I think it’s more he’s lashing out because what’s been done to him si so unfair. And he can’t speak up about himself because he’s not worthy but those other people? Damn skippy he’s going to stand up for them. 

Right because you’ve got nothing to prove.

(You know why he’s so horrible at talking to girls, talking to anyone?? Because he’s so used to being dismissed he thinks his opinion doesn’t matter, and he’s a guy, he’s supposed to be the one being listened to. But his opinion doesn’t atter because everyone and their brother (even Bucky, sometimes, and this is probably the thing that hurts him the most) have underestimated him, and told him there are things you just can’t do Steve. There are things you just can’t do.)

Steve wants things. He wants a whole heck of a lot if we’re honest. He wants respect, and to be able to do things ‘normal’ people can do. He wants to be able to pick up girls like Bucky - not neccessarily because that’s what he wants, but because that’s what he’s suPPOSED to be able to do. He wants to be taken seriously. He wants to be able to actually help people and not just end up beaten up and bloodied getting saved by his able-bodied best friend. But he doesn’t ever voice any of this because he doesn’t get to.

Steve takes all his wants, his desires, and puts them into helping other people, not because he blindly thinks it’s right, but because it’s what he SHOULD do. He knows what’s right and wrong. Oh, he knows.

He’s wrong, he has to work at being right.

He has to prove to himself that he’s worthy. He has nothing to prove to anyone else. Fuck everyone else. Steve lost his ability to give a fuck about what other people think a long time ago. Had it beaten and squashed and pitied out of him. The only person Steve has to prove anything to is himself, and maybe Bucky. But Bucky is easy to please. Bucky thinks Steve could hang the moon and light the world with his goodness. Steve Rogers however, is impossible to please. Steve is never going to be good enough for himself. Ever. Period. He’s spent too long not being good enough and listening to what really goes on in Steve Rogers’ head

Like. Oh man. This is such a great jumping off point, the whole box thing. You literally…you can’t …Steve is a good person. He is, would be, if he hadn’t been given such a hard lot in life, he’d probably have been one of those people who is jovial and funny - like Bucky but dare I say, better because Bucky has something of a darkness in him that Steve doesn’t - could never - possess. But he’s put all the good parts on the outside of himself to hide the bad parts until the good has been worn down to threads while the bad stays huddled up and protected until it’s all he can see.

And Erskine sees what Bucky sees. He sees the good man Steve could have been - could be, IS. But by the time he’s got the serum, and he has the ability to be good, and people actually listen to him, it’s been completely engrained in him he’s not worth listening to.

((And of course there’s Bucky - who has always listened to Steve. Who has been the thing that keeps Steve from thinking he really is completely worthless and giving up. Arguably I think REALLY arguably, Bucky is the person that makes Steve want to be who we know as Steve Rogers. (And if we really want to get into unhealthy psychosis we could talk about how if he weren’t ACTUALLY ALREADY THAT and he didn’t just need someone to believe it to be true, we could talk about how that’s really unhealthy, living for someone else like that. But Steve is that. He is. And Bucky saw it before the world stomped it down completely and it’s his most treasured possiession, Steve’s goodness.)))

But anway, by the time Steve has been given the serum, and after the USO tour (which if anything could make him feel more like a worthless piece of shit than that USO tour I don’t know what it is. For all he tries to pretend he’s making a difference I’d like anyone to tell me he doesn’t physically beat himself up over that every night, especially when he learns what Bucky was doing during that time.) he is just. Completely downtrodden. He’s low - at one of his lowest points ever.

The only bright spot in Steve Rogers’ life of Daily Sadness Errands is when he leads the Howling Commandos. He has Bucky back - the guy who can make him believe he’s worth something and damn he’s missed him -  and he starts leading the Howling Commandos and doing good. Real good. Those few months with a team who respected him, and his best friend(even though there’s something wrong with his best friend and he failed him - Steve failed the only person who ever believed in him hahaha isn’t that funny who’s surprised show of hands, no one? no one? didn’t think so. And ‘Steve shut up I’m fine I’ll be all right’ - ‘but if I had’ - ‘no Steve. There was nothin’ you could have done.’

(How many times have people told Steve there was nothing he could have done?)

But, so. The Howling Commandos. And he’s…happy. He’s doing something definitely useful, with people who understand him(and I think it’s fair to say the whole team probably understands Steve’s self-deprication, and his depression, even if for not the same reasons. They’re soldiers. They’ve done things and will continue to do things they’re going to have to bury deep to keep on living with themselves.) and he’s got his best friend.

And then Bucky falls. 

And Steve’s happiness shatters again, like it was never there to begin with. He builds himself another box - of vengeance and justice and anger and hurt and becomes a symbol to America. And maybe he’s willing to die, or maybe he starts wanting to live when Peggy kisses him and gives him a reason other than Bucky Barnes who’s dead because of him. But he has accepted he’s going to die for his country, doing what’s right. It’s all he’s ever wanted to do after all - what was right.

But he doesn’t die. He wakes up sixty eight years later a symbol of freedom and of hope and of America and he can’t possibly be that. He’s not that. He’s just Steve. Steve the little guy from BRooklyn who wasn’t worth the spit of a shoeshiner, who stood up to guys three times his size to try and prove to himself he was good. Steve Rogers who let the only good thing that ever happened to him die, who left the maybe second good thing in the past. Steve Rogers who has never been good enough for himself and only barely good enough for the world. Steve Rogers the guy who built himself an image to hide who he was and that image became all that he was. 


No everything is even worse now

Filed under don't do the thing I'm gonna do the thing walking wounded steve rogers I think I can still tag this as over-identify with Steve Rogers day meta this makes every post really fucking sad also A+ on the H&aH links was that really necessary

49 notes

thunderboltsortofapenny asked: YOU can write WS!Steve letting Bucky play with his hair because there's no way to make it not heartbreaking and I'm not angsting that hard lol



So I picture it being the breaking point of this really long, drawn out battle of trust between the Asset and Bucky. The Asset’s accepted Bucky as his new handler but slowly comes to the realization that Bucky doesn’t want him to be “functional”, and the Asset’s scared shitless of not being functional because not being functional means being Steve, and despite the fact that Bucky has a million and one fond memories of Steve, the only thing the Asset knows about Steve is his nightmares of being cold and in pain and begging for it to stop and being horrifically scared and lonely and just slowly, slowly losing hope that someone’s going to save him. 

Because Steve breaking is not a sudden snap the way Bucky’s potentially was, with Steve’s death being the breaking point. Steve’s is a long, ugly, drawn out process. It takes months and months and he remembers every second in his nightmares and in that minute after he wakes up screaming, and he’s terribly relieved when the memories slip away from him again.

So when he realizes that his handler wants him to hold onto that, to be that person and have all that memory of pain constantly, the Asset runs. He disappears into the night for almost a week.

He instantly regrets it. It’s winter, and he didn’t prepare; it was a split-second decision made after a nightmare, just one more example of how he is no longer functional. It’s icy, and he’s cold and lonely, and he misses his handler, even if he was a terrible handler. He misses the constant, pointless chatter, the warm showers, his handler tucking him into a soft bed and waking him up with whispers and smiles.

He stumbles back a week later to his handler’s little house. The Asset is shivering, his shoes are soaked through, he’s miserable and filthy and hungry. His handler will be angry at him for wandering off; they always are. He will be punished, the warmth and kindness he missed will not be there.

He knocks on the door. His handler opens it halfway through a sentence spoken to someone he thinks is at the door, “Hey, did you-“, and freezes when he realizes who it really is.

"Shit." he whispers, grabbing the Asset’s shirt and pulling him into the kitchen. "Shit, Steve." His handler holds him. The Asset doesn’t know what to do as his handler rubs his back and doesn’t let go. His handler is crying. His handler does not yell or hit him or punish him. He sobs and holds him very tightly.

Slowly, the Asset relaxes. His handler is not angry that the Asset left, he is… happy that the Asset is back.

"I’m cold." The Asset said softly, and that’s not the right way to say it. He’s supposed to inform his handler of his internal body temperature. of the percentage of risk of hypothermia-

"Okay." His handler whispers, nodding against the Asset’s shoulder before pulling back and cupping the Asset’s face in his hands. His hands are warm, and his handler is smiling even though his eyes are shiny with tears. "You wanna take your shower now?" The Asset is so relieved and so grateful that he cannot speak. He can only nod, and his handler smiles even wider and leads him to the bathroom. The Asset washes a week of grit and grime and sweat off of his skin and out of his hair. He takes a bit longer than necessary to do so, because the water is very warm and he didn’t think he’d get to feel it again. 

His handler says nothing about how long he’s taken in the shower when the Asset comes out dressed in his pajamas. He only hugs the Asset again, more gently this time, slower, with more warning. The Asset thinks he wouldn’t mind if his handler hugged him like this more often. Maybe he could hug his handler back. 

His mind stumbles, slides back. You don’t hug handlers. But… handlers don’t hug you either. The Asset tries to grapple with this. Nothing here makes any sense.

"What are you?" The Asset asks. His… handler(?) pulls back, frowning.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"You are not my handler." The Asset says. This much he knows. This man is not a handler, a handler would not respond to the Asset the way this man has responded to him. The man looks startled.

"No." He says, and the Asset blinks, having expected him to claim that title. "No, Steve. I’m your friend." The man sees the Asset’s confusion and sighs. "Come on, man. Let’s go to bed. We can talk tomorrow, okay?" The Asset nods slowly.

In bed, the Asset considers what the man said. The man is not his handler. The man is his friend. The Asset does not think he’s ever had a friend before. 

He has nightmares again that night, but halfway through, the cold and screaming melts into something else.

A little boy, too skinny under his layers and layers of jackets and coats, screams as another boy, taller and stronger, pushes the sled down the snowy hill.

"Come on, buddy!" the taller boy yells. "Hands in the air!"

"You’re crazy!" the smaller one on the sled screams back. As if on cue, the sled catches on something and flips. The boy flips and barrels through the snow.

"Oh shit, Stevie!" The taller boy slips and stumbles down the snowy hill towards the crash site. He hears wheezing and coughing and speeds up, terror in his eyes.

He finds his friend laughing through a minor asthma attack, curled up in the snow, soaked to the bone.

I’m crazy?” the taller boy laughs, tugging his friend upright. He’s grinning, but there are tears in his eyes that he blinks away. “You’re crazy.”

The Asset is quiet the next day, and his friend doesn’t seem to like that. The Asset is not angry or sullen. The Asset is thinking. Trying to restructure his current situation around this new relationship.

The man is his friend, not his handler. Is the Asset the man’s friend in return? He must be; it makes sense that he would be.

The Asset… enjoys being around the man. He finds listening to him talk an enjoyable experience. Being around the man is preferable to not being around him, he’s discovered that. The man is his friend.

But being someone’s friend and being someone’s handler are surely two different things. This explains why the man was a poor handler. He was not acting as a handler; he was acting as a friend. He cares for the Asset and extends far more trust and care to the Asset than a handler would. 

Does this mean that the Asset should extend the man more trust than he would a handler? The idea makes sense, and the idea makes the Asset… he doesn’t flinch away from the idea. It feels right.

His friend deserves trust.

His friend doesn’t like it when the Asset is silent. After dinner, his friend sits down with a bottle and drinks from it quietly.

The Asset hesitates, then sits next to his friend. He pauses, and his friend stares. Then the Asset curls up on his side with his head in his friend’s lap.

It’s an odd action, but it feels natural. It feels like something he’s done before, though there’s no way-

Steve loved letting Bucky pet his hair, but it felt like admitting defeat. Like admitting something was wrong, that he needed comfort. He hated doing that. Feeling vulnerable. Too many people assumed he was vulnerable, he had to prove them wrong.

So letting Bucky tug him down so that his head was on his lap and run his fingers through Steve’s hair was a treat, like a Christmas ham. It felt nice. It felt safe.

His friend’s fingers ran through the Asset’s hair slowly, carefully, gently, and the Asset melted. He trusted. His friend was not going to hurt him. The Asset was safe.

His friend choked, and for a moment, the Asset wasn’t sure if his friend was laughing or sobbing. 

"I’ve got ya, buddy," his friend whispered. "You’re safe. I’ve got ya."

The Asset believed him.

Filed under help help help help WS!Steve is the stuff of nightmares fanfic gotta go cry now

7 notes


invisiblespork said: “…are we now picturing a Faberge mechanical arm? Will it be pretty?”

Well there has to be a music box.

But….paging jellicle-ball

invisiblespork “No but really there was this art post going around a while back where the winter soldier had a faberge arm” yes I know this art you speak of It’s buried in the Buckastasia tag by now. His arm isn’t quite that elaborate, because communism. But it’s really really cool looking

Filed under russia's greatest love machine

4 notes

Me: You know what I’m excited for?

Friend: What?

Me: Halloween.

Friend: Penny. No.

Me: :D

Friend: No. It’s August 1st, that is so far away.

Me: ….technically it’s only 8 weeks away.

Friend: Oh my god Penny, seriously?

Me: :D

Filed under Halloween about thunderpenny